“I guess no one’s going to listen if I don’t talk…So I’m talking.”

   So, sitting here drinking chai latte out of my mother’s Velcrows coffee mug, I’ve notice that with the long anticipated arrival of spring here in Wisconsin, the birds have taken flight and are tweeting about. This has also brought about the jerky fake-out lunge movements of my cats as they perch themselves in the window sills. They watch them intently with hungry eyes and utter short meows as they flutter and wisp about. Ha ha. It’s quite entertaining I assure you.

   But other than watching my runt of a cat Annabelle and her much younger but heftier sister Ophilea restrain from jumping out through the window screens, I’ve been kind of obsessed with this new blogger/vlogger I’ve been following. I found him from watching Tyler Oakley’s Tumblr. Jake. Ahh, Jake. Where Tyler’s Tumblr is more hilarious than serious (unless he makes a video which he is trying to inform us about something he feels passionate about), Jake’s Tumblr is more realistic and relate able. I read his most recent blog and was like, “This guy gets me. Who is their right mind would want to get up before 12 on any given day??!!”. Ha ha.

          BOTH OF WHICH YOU SHOULD BE FOLLOWING… in my opinion…just sayin’

-tyleroakley

-thesecretdiaryofjake

    To end this I ask “How have I bettered myself since my last post?” Well, although it may not seem like a lot to most, I did go to the Gym with my brother and walked on the treadmill which was hilarious in itself. Where I got to a quarter of a mile, my younger brother was well into a mile and a half. Sad. Plus I’ve been biking here and there the last couple of days although my bikes chain fell of, the kick stand is loose as hell and the seat in shifting everything I move it all in the last ride just an hour ago. Ha ha. My legs hurt like hell but I would like to get into shape or at least work on getting a nice looking body so I can feel like I’m healthy. pseudo-physic might help me want to get healthier if I look hella’ good? Ha ha.

Oh my…

So, as of the past few years I’ve been lax and none moving in my life. I’ve been thinking about it just now and I’ve been blaming it on so many different factors and have realized that I need to dig myself out of this hole. Claw my way out if need be.But why; why now? Honestly, I was looking at a blog by this guy named Jake and although I don’t know why he seemed to be in a rut, he has made the decision to move forward and enjoy himself. I thought to myself, “Eh, why shouldn’t I give it a try…”

Since I moved out of my house to apparently escape the pains of watching my mother suffer though watching my life as new diabetic and failing miserably to grasp control of a new way of life. Losing nearly 50 pounds in two months and losing the vibrant healthy glow I have portrayed I needed an escape.

   (Before I continue, things have kind of always worked out in the end for me so I’ve come to believe that if a situation presents itself to me that I didn’t really see coming, it is more than likely a chance to jump the tracks before something bad happens. Kind of like a guardian angel.)

So when my current boyfriend offered for me to find a place with him an hour away from the life I had always known, I quickly sad yes!

The first year together I had tried to finish my HS career and carry a job so that we could pay for rent but I landed in the hospital again only 5 months in just after Christmas. I remember how my body hurt and I actually felt like I was going to die for the first time in my neglect to seriously follow my diabetic life. Doctors saved me and told me afterwards that I needed to get my health together because my body could not and would not last another trip to the hospital. So, naturally heart broken that I had yet again seen my family suffer on behalf of my neglect again, I stayed dormitory in all aspects of trying to pursue life and instead focused on trying to stay alive; which has consisted of doing absolutely nothing. 

  It’s been nearly three years now. I’ve been denied disability three times and have made no real attempt to finish school with only 2 credits left, get my driver’s license, or find a job. I’ve been a leech, a sponge, a succubus to all those around me and the worst part is none of them think it’s wrong. The see me as a frail, sick kid and it seems it’s been branded in their minds forever. But I want that to change.

  I don’t care if this literally kills me, I will make a change in my life and how I live it. I don’t care if my body is screaming for me to stop and the pain cripples my ability to walk and enjoy myself. I want to live this life knowing I’m happy being a live, not just that I am alive. I’ve wasted too much time trying to just live. I want to be alive.

SO…

Here and now I want to make updates on my life and what I’m doing to better it not just for anyone who stumbles across is (which is really only the people I show and my best friend whom follows me) but for myself so I can look back and see the progress. I want to turn this blackness I’m living in into a full color rave party. Splatter paint and all. I want everything to glow. I want everything to glow like it did before.

Superbad sex scene table read

This is actually funnier than the movie.